The Modern (Gas) Chromatographer’s Song
Posted: September 23, 2012 Filed under: Chemistry, Fun Leave a commentFull credit goes to my boss for coming up with this idea, however all the wording is my own. Don’t ask me to sing it.
The Modern (Gas) Chromatographer’s Song
I am the very model of a modern Chromatographer
I’ve information vegetable, animal, but volatile,
I know the phases of columns, and I quote them all historical
From injection port to detector, in order categorical;
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both Gaussian and quadratical,
About temperature programming I’m teeming with a lot o’ news,
With many cheerful facts about the carrier gas you should use
I’m very good at integrating all of the peaks numerous;
I know the scientific names of organic chemiculuous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, but volatile
I am the very model of a modern Chromatographer
I know our mythic history, Van Deemter’s and Sir Kovats*;
I can do the hard extractions, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in journal papers the crimes of other’s poor analysis
I’m not afraid of making the injection aqueous
I can tell the chemical’s identity from just retention indices
I think that STD’s a standard and not venereal disease
Then I can hum the order of which compound will elute before
And whistle all the airs from that infernal LC I abhor
Then I can make a splitless injection that will no doubt perform
And tell you every detail of a split ratio that’s the norm
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, but volatile,
I am the very model of a modern Chromatographer
In fact, when I know what is meant by the absorptive travelling
Of the analytes whose identity I’m un-a-ravelling
When such affairs as how to decide where the baseline’s drawn at
And when I know precisely what is meant by the mobile phase’s effluent
When I have learnt what progress had been made in column ‘fficiency
When I know the film thickness, diameter, peak capacity
In short, when I’ve a smattering of chemical strategy—
You’ll say a better Chromatographer has never done GC
For my chromatographic knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, but volatile,
I am the very model of a modern Chromatographer
*artistic license, Ervin Kovats was not knighted, as he was Hungarian.